I'm about to run amuck

This is not my usual blog, y'all, I'm sorry. I just have to rant and bitch a little bit today. You know, if I kept it all in all the time, I'd swell up like a bullfrog and explode. We wouldn't want that, now would we?

Every week I get quite a number of emails, either from strangers or from people on my friends list, emails of a particular kind that are pushing me to the limit of my tolerance. What kind of email is it, you ask, that would test the infinite patience of the most gracious and kind Tess? Obviously, I intend to tell you, just now.

An example of the kind of email I mean is like this: "Hey Tess, Are you having a good day? How was your weekend?" or sometimes it's "How are you today?" Toward the end of the week, it's "Hi Tess, Do you have any fun plans for the weekend?" This being the entire text of the email, in full. Putting me in the position of either ignoring the email, which is not in my nature as I don't like to be rude, or responding with answers to the mind-numbingly dull questions as briefly as possible, which again is rude and not my usual style, or responding with a gracious, detailed, conversational response complete with reciprocal questions regarding the well-being of the other person and the events of their weekend past or future.

I'm flattered and I do understand that these people send me these emails because they want to stay in touch, they want to know me, they want to chat with me. Thank you, that's very sweet. But if you don't have anything interesting to say to me, please don't expect me to say anything interesting back in response to your email! Don't put the burden on me to be polite and stimulating and creative and charming, all on my own! If your email is no more charming than "Hi, how was your weekend? How are you doing today?"--what do you want from me??

And if you're a man hoping to capture my attention and spark up a little sump'n-sump'n with me via MySpace, you must know you gotta try way harder than "Got any fun plans for the weekend?"

One would think that receiving a bland response such as "I'm fine, thanks. No fun plans. Take care." would discourage a person from writing again. Yet, I get the same email week after week from some! The following cycle repeated, week after week:

"Hi, how are you? Did you do anything fun this weekend?" "Hi, I'm fine. No I didn't do anything fun." "Hey Tess, how's it going?" "Hi, it's going fine." "Hi, are you having a good day? Do you have anything fun planned for this weekend?" "Hello, I'm having a good day. I don't have much planned for the weekend." "Hey, Tess, how are you?" "Hi, I'm fine." "Hi Tess, how was your weekend?" "Hello, my weekend was fine."

Does that not make you want to commit an atrocious crime? Does that not numb your mind with boredom to the point of having your brains melt and run out your ears?? Then why do we keep doing it, week after week?

If you want to send me a friendly email and tell me about your weekend, fine. I'll read it and if something inspires me to have a conversation, then perhaps we will correspond back and forth for a bit about what you said. Perhaps I will be inspired to share something of my own with you. Heck, it's even remotely possible, like maybe a fraction of a percentage point possible chance, that we might hit it off so well that I will begin foaming at the mouth and having convulsions over you and threaten to shave my head if you don't meet me right away.

But if you approach me with mundane, boring, generic, chitty-chat questions, please expect to be ignored. I'm thinking of putting together a form letter response, what do you think of this:

"Hi, I'm suicidal today, thanks for asking. I had a fun weekend, swallowed a live cricket. I plan on doing that again this weekend, if I have time. Thanks, /tess."